How to Make a Mutt
by F-bomb fics
Summary: How do you make a mutt? Take one cup fluff, one cup hotpockets, and one cup hot men and most importantly: Love. And you've got it! Not Mpreg, Remus Sirius love
1. Chapter 1

**Summery: **How do you make a mutt? Take one cup fluff, one cup hotpockets, and one cup hot men and most importantly: Love. And you've got it! Not Mpreg, Remus Sirius love

**Disclaimer: **The characters and everything else but the plot DOES NOT belong to us. They are the rightful property of J.K. Rowling.

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How to Make a Mutt

Ch. 1

"It's raining."

"Duh! You _just _noticed that?"

"Well it wasn't raining when we got on."

"Yeah, but he could've _heard _it. Or at least have _looked _out the window."

A scarlet steam engine roared through the pouring rain. The train carries students between the ages of eleven and seventeen from King's Cross Station to their School.

In one compartment, there were four boys of about fifteen year of age.

Peter pressed his head against the cool, foggy window pane. "I hate rain," he whined, sinking into his seat.

"It's not like wet. Or too wet anyway," Sirius muttered, running his fingers through his thick, shaggy mane of hair. He put his feet up on the seat across from him into James's lap.

"It ominous," said Remus, peering up from his battered old book for the first time since the train took off.

"You're ominous!" retorted Sirius.

"You don't even know what ominous means!" James put in.

Sirius stuck out his tongue in reply.

It did seem true to him, though, ominous. In his mind, ominous was a mystery, a dark feeling of unknowing. It worked. Ominous Moony, looking up only to give some dark phrase. Ominous, ominous, ominous.

Sirius shook his head. Peter sighed. "I'm afraid of drowning," he said.

"What brought that up?" James asked, scooting into a spine-curving position much like Sirius.

"Rain."

"You're afraid of drowning in the rain?"

"Yes. When I'm small."

"You can't drown in rain."

"Yes you can. If your mouth is open."

"Then close your damn mouth."

Remus sighed.

"What if I'm under a spell?"

"What spell?"

"An open-mouth spell."

Sirius noted Remus's left eye was beginning to twitch.

"There's no such thing!"

"Yes there is!"

"Your brain is drowning!"

"No it isn't!"

"Even _rats _have enough sense to close their mouth!"

"Not unless they're under a spell!"

"What kind of spell?" Sirius asked, getting in on it.

"A mouth-opening spell!"

"THERE IS NO SUCH THING!" Remus shouted, jumping to his feet. His friends stared, awestruck. If there was one thing that could drive Remus J. Lupin to shouting, it was the misinterpretation of knowledge.

He stood there panting as Sirius tried to hide a snicker.

"I suppose this is a bad time…"

Remus turned around, slowly. In the doorway to their compartment was the candy lady. Remus turned a bright shade of scarlet and quickly sat back down.

"Nice one, Moony." James smiled, giving him a slap on the back. Sirius handed him a piece of chocolate. He took it, still blushing. It was in great contrast to the scars rushing across his face.

The next five minutes passed by in silence. Sirius, James, and Peter were shoveling down their candy while Remus nibbled on his abnormally big piece of chocolate.

Sirius was first to break the silence. "So, Prongs, planning anything for Evans?" he inquired.

"What do you mean?"

"Don't play dumb. I know you were planning something for her over the summer."

"1: How would you know if I was planning something if you were always out? 2: Even if I was planning something, how would you know if it was for Evans? 3: Even if I told you about it, you would most likely do something stupid to mess it up and/or make me look stupid."

"1: Well, every time I asked if you wanted to go out and do something, you always refused and locked yourself in your room. 2: It's obvious that when you're planning and we're not included, it's for Evans. 3: What makes you think I – me of all people – would make a fool of you in front of Evans?" Sirius replied.

James opened his mouth to reply, but Sirius cut him off.

"Oh and 4: Don't number what you say. Ever."

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**Author's note: **I feel it was a weak beginning. It gets better, I promise! Please reveiw if you like!** -Pads**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **Everything but plot property of J.K. Rowling

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How to Make a Mutt 

Ch.2

They rode on, reaching the school in a very uneventful hour. That is, unless you count a loose owl colliding with James in the hall causing him to spill grape pop onto a nearby second year. They got dress in their school robes, slacks, and jumpers. And of course, nobody tied their tie correctly but Remus.

Hopping of the train and into the carriages. Out of the carriages and into the great, great school of Hogwarts. Remus went tickly with excitement.

"Wonderful to be back," Remus sighed under his breath, smiling. Remus loved school – this school – _his _school. He loved they books. He loved the teachers. He loved the ghosts. He loved the library, the new quills. He even loved potions. Actually, no. He didn't love potions, but that was beside the point. What Remus loved most about school was his friends, who were with him, here, always.

"REMUS!"

Except for now.

He dropped off his luggage with the rest and ran to catch up with his friends.

As they entered the Great Hall in a muddled little group, the sorting had almost finished. Candles floated about above their heads as they took their seats at the Gryffindor table. Students chatted quietly, laugher ringing through the air. Our boys were no exception. They whispered back and forth, even as the – as Sirius put it: "Start-O-the-Term" – speech began. They didn't pay attention… well, except for Peter. It was always the same thing: "Don't do this!" "So-and-so says that!" "James Potter, I saw that!... What you did to Severus!... No, I saw you!... MR. BLACK! Mr. Black I saw that!" And so on.

Sirius leaned back and nibbled at the tip of his collar. He was hungry. Suddenly – as if by pure will-of-thought – the speech had ended and piles of hot, steamy food appeared before them. As his fellow classmates went at the feast at a reasonable pace, the scruffy boy flew in.

"Padfoot!" exclaimed Remus. "What are you doing?"

Sirius had begun in proceeding to stuff items from the large platter in front of them into his mouth and several into his pockets for later. He looked up as if he had forgotten they were there.

"Huff Mmuh Mmuff Mmwauff Wa wuff?" He said mouth full.

Remus rolled his eyes. "I said, 'What are you doing?'" he said as Sirius took unsafe gulp and wiped his mouth.

"You're going to choke," Remus said as the goofy and slightly demented smile washed across the boy's face. His eyes widened.

"I. LOVE. HOT POCKETS." Sirius said in utmost seriousness, holding up a crispy and slightly floppy bread tangle.

Remus stared.

"Seriously man! Hot pockets are my _favorite _type of pocket! Followed closely by the kangaroo pocket!" He nodded as if this was some great achievement. "They're just so hot… and pockety! Like chicken nuggets! My favorite kind of all nuggets!"

"What about gold nuggets?" Remus asked.

"You can't eat gold nuggets." Sirius replied.

"Yes, but if you have gold nuggets, you can buy all the chicken nuggets you want."

There was a pause.

"Yes… well, that is why gold nuggets are very close in second. After chicken nuggets. And kangaroo pockets. And hot pockets!"

Remus looked on befuddled as Sirius began to rant about laps, garage sales, and scones.

James began to look to see if the flask he kept in his sock was missing…

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**Author's Note: **Thank you for the reviews! Here is your second chapter. This entire chapter was written by Pix. I just typed it. The entire hopt pockets rant is based off of true life. In that case she was the Sirius and I was the Remus. Yes she even went into a rant about laps, garage sales, and scones. Hope you like! **-Pads**

Hey! My computer broke down so there will be no updates made by me. Sorry! **-Pix**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: **Only plot is ours!

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How to Make a Mutt 

Ch.3

The feast went on for about another half an hour. Sirius only stopped stuffing himself with hot pockets to take the occasional drink. James has yet to find his flask; Remus was hidden behind some book, only looking up to give Sirius disapproving looks every so often. Peter was in some sort of a daze.

"I feel fat," Sirius said on their way back up to the common room.

"Could it be possible that you had way too many hot pockets at the feast?" Remus suggested.

"Nah. Can't have. Hot pockets have never done me wrong.'

"Yeah, well when you eat 217 of them non-stop, they may just gang up on your digestive system."

"Don't tell me you counted."

"I had nothing better to do," Remus shrugged. "Besides, I find it fun to watch you slowly kill yourself with food. Do I have to remind you about the puddings?"

"Oh God! Don't bring that up again," Sirius moaned. "I was young and foolish."

"It's every Christmas!"

"Yeah, well… I don't care!" _Oh God, _he thinks, _I'm slipping. It has to be the hot pockets. Damn hot pockets! But they're so hot… and pockety. _He can't stay mad. Not at the hot pockets. Not even at Remus. His Moony.

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**Author's note: **Yes, I know. It's short. The next chapter is also. The fifth chapter will make up for both of these in length. I promise! Entire chapter was written by me. **-Pads**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclamer: **Characters not ours

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How to Make a Mutt 

Ch. 4

Remus looked as Sirius's food ego (so big, in fact, that James had dubbed it "foodeego") collapsed into a shattered pile of rubbish.

"I'll tell you what," he sighed, shaking his dirty-blonde head. "When we grow up, I'll make you hot pockets for breakfast. As many as you want."

Sirius perked up.

"Everyday?" he asked eagerly.

"Yes, everyday…" Remus agreed. Sirius jumped upon Remus in a lung-shattering hug, planting a big, slurpy kiss on the cheek. And he skipped off.

Remus stood, forlorn, surprised, slobbery, and smelling lightly of pepperoni. James laughed.

"You know, Moony," James said giving him a pat on the back. "he will _never _let you live that down. He'll remind you everyday, again and again, so you will never forget."

Remus gulped.

"You don't know that…" he said, the sudden catastrophe of his promise baring down on him like the world.

"You offered him _food_, Moony." James hung his head in a mock mourning. "You were so young… so full of promise… cut down in his prime!" He let out a wail.

Moony sighed and looked ahead. Sirius was prancing about the passage in delight, frightening many paintings and first years. It was nice to see Sirius happy, even at the expense of his freedom. From this day forward, Sirius would probably keep him locked in his dingy basement, chained to a wall, only letting him out to make him hot pockets…

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**Author's note:** Like I said before, wasn't going to be long. Next one! Entire chapter written by Pix. **-Pads**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:** Once again: characters don't belong to us. Dream doesn't either. The dream was taken from an eppisode of Gilmore Girls and was written by Amy Sherman-Palladino, we just added our own twist.

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How to Make a Mutt 

Ch. 5

Sirius snuggled deep into his bed that night, happy and content... and full, the fullness being the operative part. He sighed, digging himself a little nest and looking around. James in the bed to his left, Remus on the bed to the right. This was the life… you know… if it wasn't for all the _learning…_

Sirius woke up. It was a bright and sunny day. The birds were singing. Why was he up? AH-HA! The culprit! Sirius swung his arm, still heavy with sleep, and backhanded the ringing alarm clock into the wall.

_Ah… that's more like it! _He thought as he cuddled deeper into his pillow. Another alarm went off.

Sirius shot up, looking around in a haze of confusion and frustration. How did that damn clock come back from the dead?

He swung his arm about in the blind hope of coming in contact with the cursed clock.

Moony popped his head in the door.

"It's useless," he warned.

Sirius moaned and covered his head with his pillow.

"I've got fifteen hidden around the room. You may as well get up." Remus's head disappeared out the door again, and Sirius groaned. He got out of bed, followed his Moony down the stair, and took his seat at the kitchen table.

"And how are we this morning?" Remus asked, bending over to pat Sirius's bulging tummy.

"Sleepy," Sirius grumbled.

"Let it go."

"You let it go."

"No you!"

"No you!"

They smiled and kissed each other's cheeks.

"I made hot pockets, love," Remus said, serving up two steamy plates of hot pockets, one for Sirius and one for himself.

"Thank you," he smiled, scarfing one down. "After all, I'm eating for two!"

"Eating for three!" Remus said, lovingly caressing his check. The twins were due late fall.

"I love you…" Sirius smiled. He held out his hand, admiring the diamond wedding band. He had never been happier.

"I love you, too…" Remus replied. He slowly leaned in and gave him a soft kiss on the…

"AHHHRGGG!" Sirius woke up with a start, flying out of bed like a bat out of hell. He ran about the dorm, screaming incoherent gibberish. The other boys woke up.

"Sirius…?" James groped for his glasses. "What the bloody-?" He made contact and shoved them on his face. He looked around. Moony was up, trying to focus, as were most of the others.

Sirius ran down the staircase and into the bathroom and slammed the door with one final, "IDON'T WANNA BE A MOMMY!"

He began to furiously brush his teeth.

"Padfoot!" James shouted as he pounded on the door. "What happened?"

Sirius slammed his toothbrush down mid-brush and swung open the door just as Peter was coming down the stairs.

"OHMIGOD HE'S RABID!" Peter screamed, ducking behind the couch for protection. James shook his head and pulled Sirius back into the loo.

"What happened?" He clasped his hands on the shaking boy's shoulders. Sirius looked up, sweaty from the fear and running and hoarse form the screaming.

"I-it was _terrible_!" Sirius cried, clinging to James as his legs gave out beneath him. "It was a _nightmare_! I-I was married! A-and pregnant! W-with twins! How could I be pregnant? I'm a man, man! Last time I went to the toilet, I was a man! Men can't be pregnant! It's just not right! It's just wrong! It's not possible! It's unpossible!"

"Impossible," James corrected.

"Same thing! I don't care at the moment. I just wanna know: How can I – A MAN – be pregnant?"

James thought for a moment.

"Well, with some surgery, I don't see why-"

Sirius gave him a sharp blow to the back of his head.

"I didn't mean literally! It was hippothetical!"

"Hypothetical."

"Whatever!" Sirius cried. "And worst of it is I was married to-" He quickly covered his mouth before he let slip who it was.

"Who were you married to?" James pressed on.

Sirius shook his head, hands still over his mouth. He had to think fast.

"Come on! Tell me!" James attempted to pull Sirius's hands from his mouth, but Sirius wouldn't budge. "How bad could it be? It's not like you were married to Evens."

HA! A solution! Sirius slowly lowered his hands, a wild smile spread across his face.

"It wasn't Evens, was it?"

Sirius didn't say anything. His smile only grew.

"ASS!" James lunged to kick Sirius, but he ducked out of the way.

"Ok! Ok! It wasn't Evens!" Sirius said finally. James stopped his homicidal attacks.

"Then who was it?" James sat up, waiting to hear who it was.

"Truth-be-told I didn't see his face." The lie slipped out so easily.

"You didn't see his face?" James pauses… thinks… "Wait! Did you just say _he_?"

"Yes. He… as in it was a _bloke_!"

James took a moment.

"Well, that does make a little sense. How else would you get pregnant?"

Sirius's mouth dropped open. It's not that Sirius was homophobic or anything… it's just that _he _himself wasn't gay. But what surprised him was how well James was taking it.

"And besides, it doesn't mean anything, right?" Sirius asked hopefully.

"Of course! I told you you'd get nightmares from all those hot pockets."

AH HA! Revelation!

"There _were_ hot pockets in my dream!" Sirius began to hop up and down. "And they were good! – I'm hungry."

"Breakfast doesn't start for another three hours. It's four o'clock in the morning," came a voice they recognized as Remus's voice. Sirius's heart sank. _Did he hear what I said? _was the first thing to come to come to his mind. In fact the gloriousness that is food left his mind at the mere sight of Remus. Sirius tried to clear his mind, get his hunger for food back. He had a different hunger now…

"B-but what about food?" he asked, trying to sound normal, like he didn't have a dream about being married – or even _in love _with Remus.

"Why don't you go down to the kitchens? The house elves haven't seen you in a while. They miss you," James suggested.

"I'm too week to go on my own. It's four in the bloody morning. I'm supposed to be asleep, not to be up for another four hours!" He thinks he's being a little too dramatic, but he doesn't care. Not right now.

"I'll take you," Remus offered. He didn't know why. It just came out. He couldn't help it. "To make… err… sure you don't fall from… err… lack of food."

"Ok… just take me there…" He will get to be alone with Remus. _His _Moony. This excites him, but he's not sure why.

They slipped under James's invisibility cloak and made their way down the dark, empty corridors to the kitchens.

"I hope there are chicken nuggets!" Sirius whispered excitedly.

"You are a madman." Remus replied. Sirius blushed as he felt the warm breath of his friend on his face. Why was he acting so bonkers? Sirius racked his quickly overheating brain. Each brush of the young boy's arms against his tingled – just like when his foot would fall asleep. He thought of Remus; his shaggy hair, his big, brown eyes, the faint scars on his face and arms and possibly other places, his tired, weary ways. All his wonderful imperfections.

"You alright?" Remus asked Sirius realized he was shaking.

"Hungry," he replied, shoving hair out of his eyes with an unsteady hand. What was happening to him? Sirius – the manliest manly-man ever to grace the presence of womankind!

Bloody pregnancy horomones!

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**Author's note: **Yes this is where Sirius first realizes he might actually like his best friend. Let's see where it leads, shall we?  
In other news: during study hall today, I marked and counted out how many chapters we have written (we've been writing it since the begining of the school year) and we have fourteen complete chapters and I have started the fifteenth. I feel so proud!... Now if only I'd get off my lazy ass and get them typed up and posted, right? Geh, am going as fast as school is allowing me! Pix still can't post due to getting a new computer and needing to re-install everything, so that'll take awhile. Will do my best at steady updates! 


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: **Yeah… not our characters…

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How to Make a Mutt 

Ch. 6

They arrived at the kitchens without as much as a single painting disturbed. The two whipped the invisibility cloak off and entered.

"Sirius!" came a chorus of tiny voices

Remus stood to the side as his friend greeted each house elf by name and searched the counters and shelves for something edible.

"So, any chicken nuggets?" Sirius inquired.

"Yes! We has made chicken nuggets just for Sirius Black!" one house elf said with joy.

"Thank you very much Knobby." Sirius took the platter of chicken nuggets the elf had produced to him.

"I should make you chicken nuggets for breakfast every morning, also." Remus smiled. He likes to see Sirius happy. He guesses he would do anything to make him happy. Well, almost anything.

"Remus!" Sirius yelled, waving a flask over his head. It looks a lot like James's flask, only a "B" was carved into it. "Come get drunk with me!"

"You know I can't." This is true. It is impossible for Remus J. Lupin to get drunk. It has even been proven.

"Well, can you at least drink with me while I get drunk?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because then it's no fun on my part, for I will have to get you back to the common room without the knowledge of Filch. And you know how hard that is. We almost got caught last time."

"Alright." Sirius gives his 'pet me, I'm a cute, innocent puppy' look. One last chance. Remus resisted. It was hard and very painful, but he did.

"Would you be happy if I let you take your chicken nuggets back up to the common room with you?"

Sirius perked right up. "YAY!" He jumped up and tackled Remus in a spine-breaking hug.

"Alright, alright. Down boy, before I change my mind."

Sirius let go and went back to his chicken nuggets, which spilled when he leaped up, and started piling them back onto the plate. He then stood up with a giant grin on his face, "I'm ready!"

Remus smiled. There's the Sirius he loves to see. He watched Sirius say his goodbyes and thank you s as he collected some more chicken nuggets 'for the road'. "Let's go," he says gently, picks up the invisibility cloak and wraps it around them.

Needless to say, the nuggets were gone halfway back to the dorm. Remus sighed as Sirius licked the crumbs off his fingers and the plate, grinning wickedly. He nuzzled into Remus's shoulder.

"Thank you Moony McMoonypants!" He said, nuzzling.

Remus shuddered deeply. Nuzzling… warm, lovely, nuzzling. And suddenly – it had gone away. This tore Remus harshly from a dreamy haze painfully, he almost let out a cry, but something was wrong.

Sirius stood stock still, alert. He put a hand on Remus's shoulder, slowly raising a finger to his lips. Footsteps were quickly rounding the corner ahead. Sirius ushered Remus to the hall, looked around, and hurriedly shoved him into a room. It was a very tiny room, completely dark – more like a broom cupboard than anything. The two boys crammed into the little space and slammed the door. They held their breaths as the steps came closer and stopped before the door – as if looking for them – and walked away.

Sirius sighed in relief, filling the room with the smell of chicken nuggets. Remus felt him chuckle a bit, for they were packed tightly against each other.

Remus being a little – well, who am I kidding – a lot shorter then his friend, caused his head, no matter which way he turned it, to rest on the chest of Sirius. Remus blushed.

They stood there for minutes that felt like hours, listening for any more signs of prowling teachers. Sirius was relieved, sighing again so deeply he could feel it in his gut. Remus however, could hardly breathe. He felt the warmth of Sirius's body and the steady, strong beat of his heart. He felt oddly conscious about the proximity of the space. Their heads touched (Sirius was resting his head on top of Remus's), their legs touched, their hips-

_NO! _Remus's mind demanded. _Think of something else!_

God, it stank of chicken nuggets!

After another moment, Sirius cleared his throat uncomfortably.

"Do you think we should go?" He asked. He was happy it was to dark for Remus to see him blush.

"I suppose…" Remus answered, though his mind screamed _NO! _and he couldn't tell why.

But then, the door opened, and Sirius wasn't close anymore, it was lighter, warmth gone. And deep inside him, Remus felt the wolf within him dig deeper into his soul. He wanted to die, to cry, to cling to Sirius and for the life of him he did not know why. And beside him, walking quietly Sirius wondered too.

The two boys walked back to their common room, an awkward silence between them the entire way. Each trying to catch the other's eye, to see what the other was thinking, but each failed.

"You both reek of processed chicken!" James yelled to them as soon as they soon as they walked through the portrait hole and took of the invisibility cloak. "What took you so long?"

"'Had to run from Filtch. Hid in the some sort of broom cupboard up on the seventh floor," Sirius breathed.

"Hmm… I've never seen a broom cupboard on the seventh floor," James pondered. He's always on the seventh floor and yet he's never seen a broom cupboard there. "Wait, why were you up on the seventh floor?"

"Moving staircases," Remus replied. "God, I hate them."

"Someone should make a map," Sirius said, more to himself, coming out a daze.

And then it hit them… well most of them… it took Peter a little longer.

"A map!" James exclaimed. "Let's make a map!"

"Why?" Peter still didn't understand.

"To always know where we are!" exclaimed Sirius.

"And we could make a feature that can show the location of others," Remus said, the beautiful prospect of new things to learn rushing through his mind by the thousand like an electric shock.

"A-and they could move!" exclaimed Peter, now catching on.

"Do you know how much trouble we'll get in?" James said the gleam of illegality in his eyes.

"No one will have to know that we're behind it," Sirius replies with that know-it-all tone that he loves, yet never gets to use.

That excited, static feeling jumped from boy to boy – leaping like a jolt of lightning at the thought of the adventures they would have. And then, it dissolved because they were too damn lazy and it was too damn late to begin such a catastrophic task such as this. They smiled, and went to bed.

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**Author's note: **Yes, this ended up taking place over an entire day. How? I have no clue. We have a really bad sense of timing with things. Heh… but it is a good chapter, we finally learn their feelings for each other, though they haven't really realized yet… I guess. The next chapter is one of my favorites, and also very long. We don't have to many short chapters in here… it was written before without the thought of making chapters or putting it online… **-Pads**


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